It's 4 am and I'm supposed to be writing a paper but I'm thinking about gorillas instead

I saw something stupid on Facebook.

To be clear, not my own Facebook wall, just something shared to a group. And that sent me spiralling down a fucking hole of trying to determine how strong a gorilla actually is. The answer is, obviously,  really fucking strong.

"The strength of a silverback gorilla has never been measured, but it should be sufficient to say that anecdotal evidence of animals observed almost casually bending and snapping objects such as tempered steel bars (2 inches thick) and giant bamboo stalks, suggest that the gorilla has the muscle power of between 8-15 men and possibly more. Jersey Zoos Jambo was observed to hang from one arm (he was over 400 lbs) while methodically ripping over 200 ft of inner ceiling planks from the roof of the new gorilla house with his other arm (the planks were securely screwed and nailed), simply because he didn't like them. No other animal outside of the great apes has such a combination of strength and dexterity. The fact that gorillas don't use their strength to attack other animals in the manner of chimpanzees or baboons means very little as they are by their very nature, peaceful animals. Gorillas also have one of the most powerful jaws of any animal, which they use to get to the piths of various trees and plants. They can also use them in defense, and can inflict serious wounds with their bites if they so wish. Stories of their ferocity are largely unfounded, and when left alone, gorillas will never attack humans."

Of course you couldn't beat a gorilla bare handed. You couldn't even beat a chimp bare handed. 

But I don't think you could beat a gorilla one on one with weaponry either. Look at how thick that skull is. Even a gun, you'd need something really high caliber and a few good precise shots. And that's assuming it's not angry and charging you, which I mean they're gorillas so probably not but if they were in this situation (i.e. a fight) then yeah you probably wouldn't take it down before it reached you.

A dude with a sword in some armour would just get absolutely demolished. Just one swing would dent platemail which is enough to pretty much kill someone. Even if you got some swings off, it would probably only just annoy the gorilla. There was that chimp, Travis, who mauled a woman's face a few years ago and he was stabbed a bunch of times to pretty much no effect. If you had a spear you could maybe get it through the face, but then the forward momentum would probably get the animal right to you and crush you in its death throes.

A wild animal will literally throw 100% of its resources into a fight, it's just instinct. A human being would never reach the same phase unless they were literally in a state of severe psychosis.

What are the D&D stats for this thing? Taking 5e as an example:

Ape (Monster)

Medium beast, unaligned

Armor Class	Hit Points	Speed
12	19 (3d8 + 6)	30 ft., Climb 30ft.

STR	DEX	CON	INT	WIS	CHA
16 (+3)	14 (+2)	14 (+2)	6 (-2)	12 (+1)	7 (-2)

Skills: Athletics +5, Perception +3
Senses: passive Perception 13
Languages: -
Challenge: 1/2 (100 XP)

ActionsEdit

Multiattack. The ape makes two fist attacks.
Fist. Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 6 (1d6 + 3) bludgeoning damage.
Rock. Ranged Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, range 25/50 ft., one target. Hit: 6 (1d6 + 3) bludgeoning damage.

Strength 16? CR 1/2? Really?

Honestly how the fuck could you even kill a dragon.

I mean obviously D&D stats aren't proportional but I feel like "how does your campaign handle gorillas" could be a benchmark for the way combat is run.

The Elixir: Critical Hits & Fails

Some quick notes about ways to make 5e a bit more dangerous, while not falling into OSR level lethality.

Of course, all this applies to both monsters AND PCs.

Critical Fails on Saves

This is very risky. I love it.

A nat 1 on a saving throw = double damage or double effect the same a way a regular critical is.

Critical Hit & Fail effects

Critical Hit & Fail tables are really fun. I hate them. They're too fiddly and slow down play. Most also do rob players of tactical agency in sometimes unfun ways. Decks are fun but we play online and I don't really like roll20's deck feature; I might come around to it, we'll see. 5e went a long way to making criticals simple and effective: no more confirm critical bullshit.

But I do want them to add more uncertainty and an element of reaction and adaptability to criticals. Particularly fails, as I want them to be much more "oshit" then just "you auto-fail".

Somewhat related, I want to make more equipment more ephemeral. Things break, require maintenance, get lost, stolen, etc. The alternate inventory system I use goes a fair way towards this, but I think we can make it go a little further.

Alexis provides a starting point:

"For a long time I've been playing a house rule that a 1 on a d20 'to hit' was a dropped weapon...An ordinary, crummy weapon, I reasoned, would break 1 in 6 upon dropping. A 'hard-forged' weapon would break on a 1 in 8.  A 'blessed' weapon, one that had been hard-forged and both lucky and loved in its construction, would break on a 1 in 12.  And a 'mastercrafted' weapon would be the kind made by an artist ... and it would break on a 1 in 20."

I like it, but there's too many numbers, let's simplify it.
Cheap/shoddy: 1 in d4. Normal: 1 in d8. Masterwork: 1 in d12.

This should apply to spellcasting foci and components as well.

It's interesting that this rule "reflect[s] the value of cheap weapons vs. really valuable weapons, those which didn't happen to be magic" which gives more impetus to Gold as XP.

So the inversion of this on critical hits, is armour.

A critical hit removes AC down 1 till we reach natural AC (10+dex mod). After which a critical hit forces a roll on lingering injuries. If using a shield, deduct AC from shields first.

Cheap/shoddy armour/shields: remove twice as much AC. Masterwork: takes two critical hits to remove a point of AC.

Prices for this follow the same formula: half-price for cheap, double price for masterwork.

Busking 101

If you have a bard in your party and want to get more mileage out of the Performance skill, I present to you my rules for busking in 5e (though it could pretty easily be adapted to any other system).

Players can choose to busk as a downtime activity if they are in a civilized area. If the players are busking in game time, wing it with the time they spend busking.

Roll Performance (if performing as a group, roll with advantage in 5e). Multiply the roll by # of days spent busking. The busker receives that number in

• Coppers or equivalent if busking in a village (street), or a disreputable part of town.
• Silvers or equivalent if busking in a city (street) 
• Electrum or equivalent if busking in the cultural sector of a city or a city renowned for the arts, or the inn of a city, or a public amphitheatre in a city.

This could also be adapted to the gratuities received if playing in an inn of some kind, even though that's technically not busking (and you're more likely to be paid in drinks, but you could cut a deal with the bar). Increase the denomination by one step for playing in an inn (so silvers in a village inn, electrum in a city inn, gold in an artistic city inn).

Now the fun part. Roll on the Random Busking Encounters table below. I suggest directly RPing this whether you're busking in downtime or game time. 

The Performance check determines how to roll on the table:

A Nat 1, roll with disadvantage.

A roll between 1-9, roll a d6

A roll between 10-15 roll a d12

A roll of 15+ roll a d20

A Nat 20 or any roll in excess of 25, roll with advantage.

RANDOM BUSKING ENCOUNTERS

1. Scandal: You said, did, or performed something offensive to the local populace during your set. Receive no gold and you are no longer able to find employment as a performer in this city until such time as public favour returns your way.

2. Play Wonderwall: You've attracted an unfortunate hanger-on, a heckler, an obsessive fan, or 

someone else equally unpleasant who drives the crowd away. Halve money earned.

3. Trespassing: You've inadvertently begun performing in an already staked area. Maybe a bard's alliance lays claim and requires a membership fee, the city bylaws require a busking permit, or a thieves' guild wants a tax for being on their turf. Whatever the group is, they will ask for d% of all busking profits in that area. The PCs can refuse but must deal with the repercussions. 

4. Murphy's Law: Something unpleasant and unexpected happened. Roll on your Random Urban Encounters table, or if you're feeling gonzo, a Wandering Monsters table. Strange rumours circulate about you in response to this incident.

5. Technical difficulties: Something you use in your performance (instrument, costume, script, etc.) is stolen, destroyed, or damaged. You'll need to find a way to get it repaired or fixed, or develop a new act.

6. Harsh words: Someone has it out for you. Your performance was poorly received by a local critic, a patron of the arts, a nobleman, etc. They disparage you openly and publicly. Roll with disadvantage when busking in this area unless you manage to rehabilitate your reputation.

7. Afterparty: Carouse!

8. Dark materials: You made no money. Where was the crowd? It seems unseasonably overcast. And what was the deal with that one guy who left you: 1-3 something entirely useless, a shoestring, a cork, a frayed playing card, 4 a trinket, 5 a strange idol, 6 a random magical item (would suggest something consumable), probably cursed or, if a  consumable, likely to have unintended effects (see here, here, or here) 

9-12. Business as usual: Nothing particularly interesting happens. 

13. Damn fine performance: You're in the zone. d% extra currency earned.

14. All abuzz: Something was especially remarkable about the performance, or someone important has taken to you. Word of mouth spreads quickly. People will be talking about you. Roll with advantage the next time you busk in this area.

15. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery: You're a trendsetter. Your style is taking off locally: being codified into a genre, trend, etc. Imitators abound. You're even more well known than before, but consequently, you're at the risk of becoming passe if you don't change up something in your act or dissuade your imitators.

16. New friends: Your performance attracts: 1-3 a new hireling, contact, or friend, 4-5, a random animal companion (dog, goat, badger, snake, bear, psuedodragon, etc.) who joins your act, 6 a familiar

17. Interested eyes: Someone important has noticed you. You have: 1-2 been invited to play at the manor of a wealthy patron of the arts, 3-4 been invited to play a large show(s), 5-6 been offered a publishing deal (or equivalent based on genre & time period).

18. An instant classic: That'll go down in history. New-found fame attracts attention, both wanted and unwanted. 

19. Keep it secret, keep it safe: While sorting through your tips, you find something you hadn't noticed: 1, a magic rope, 2 a magic candle, 3 a potion (as normal, or here and here), 4 a spell scroll, 5, something from someone you haven't seen in a long time, 6, a random magic item.

20. Lightning in a bottle: You'll never have a performance like that again. Roll twice on the table. Double currency earned after all encounters are resolved (in order of low to high).

This'll keep your bards from becoming complacent and safely getting rich through bardi-ness. Remember, the best bard is a dead bard!